Today I am 2 months pregnant with you.

I'm also freaking out because I don't feel pregnant. I actually know I'm an idiot for wishing I was puking right now instead of writing, but at least if I were, it would be healthy baby-inside confirming. Or would it? I've googled this just enough to know 5 things.

1. Most women have morning sickness, some do not.
2. Some women who have morning sickness go on to have healthy babies.
3. Some women who have morning sickness go on to miscarry.
4. Some women who do not have morning sickness go on to have healthy babies.
5. Some women who do not have morning sickness go on to miscarry.

Not exactly definitive answers, therefore I am left to work these 5 things over and over in my mind as I am apt to do with things that I cannot solve or control myself. Which obviously pregnancy is. Completely not up to me, beyond regular things like not smoking/drinking/exerting myself too much.

Anyway, up until last Wednesday I had some nausea. Intermittant throughout the days, but nothing to write home about. It was mildly comforting. I like when things go normally. I had seen your tiny teeny flickering heart on November 6th and I felt queasy, was broken out, and had big ol' boobies, just like a normal pregnant woman should have. Now I'm all but queasy and I'm 3 weeks out from my next appointment to see you up on that grainy screen, and I just want you to be there inside of me growing and growing so I can see you wiggling around on December 4 and so I can call your Dad who will be away on business in Canada and let him know you are all right and so I can go visit your grandparents in Arizona the next day with good news.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was too scared to write to you, because what if you weren't there? What if I started to form a connection with something that could leave at any minute? It was too risky. But now I've decided to write to you to let you know this all. Your momma is not in the habit of talking to herself, so I will write because I know you are there. I want to start connecting with you so you will stick around. I'm going to write to you instead of googling up more uncertainties and I'm going to write to you instead of worrying your Dad, and in 20 or so years from now you will read this blog and you will see that I always was a crazy worrier.